I am a Bad American. I never thought of myself as a Bad American growing up, but one day I woke up and it struck me that I just wasn't what an American was supposed to be.
I do not believe that we, as a nation, are the apex of human civilization, and I get annoyed when my neighbors and relatives go overseas and gawk at the 'decadent locals' or 'primitive aboriginies' and generally embarrass the rest of us. I get -especially- annoyed when these tourists wear the uniforms of our armed services and go on the taxpayer dollar to enforce such conceits at gunpoint.
I remember that, although I could trace my ancestry back to before the Revolutionary War, I am still an immigrant, and that any effort to restrict immigration is blatant hypocrisy. Since the Indians we took the land from are mostly dead, though, I'm not torn up with any desire to give my home to Chief White Cloud McConnell and move back to the Old Country.
I do not believe that I should have any say, for example, in what form of government Afghanistan or Nicaragua should have. I may not like tyrants or dictators, but if they stay within their borders, I will stay within mine.
I do not believe that any substance, any image, any food, or any product is by self-definition harmful to society. I do not worry about how other people's morals do not match my own, and I do not seek to force my morals onto them.
Likewise, I do not believe that any substance, any image, any food, etc. is by self-definition -good- for society. For that reason I get a bit ticked when my tax dollars get spent on art programs and subsidies, payments to grow or not grow certain crops, etc.
I believe America is great because it is a nation where burning a flag can be more patriotic than saluting it. Anybody who wants me to worship a piece of fabric in a silly pattern has entirely missed the point of freedom. Likewise, anybody who scowls at someone singing off-key during the Star Spangled Banner is forgetting that we come from four hundred years' worth of nonconformists.
I believe in freedom of speech: however, people like Pat Robertson, Oprah Winfrey, Rush Limbaugh and Dr. Laura really try my convictions, and let's not even discuss Rosie O'Donnell, Maury Povich, and Jerry Springer.
I believe in freedom of religion; however, I do not believe in government-sponsored Kwanza banners in a town where nativity scenes are forbidden, and I do not believe in public prayer at government-sponsored events unless you let me give the prayer. All I ask is a pulpit on the 50-yard line, a large chopping block, a small hatchet and a slightly sedated Rhode Island Red.
I believe that freedom of speech includes the right to hurt someone else's feelings. If this seems too much for you, then I suggest you keep quiet on the following subjects: small-town cops, Vietnam veterans, teenage pregnancies, college dropouts, freaky schoolyard loners, gun nuts, and broccoli. If you do not I will sue you for emotional abuse.
I believe 'society' as a word has become synonymous with 'how the speaker thinks the world should be'; I therefore regard it with suspicion. Other synonyms include 'family values' and 'traditional values.'
I don't like government spending money subsidizing private organizations; however, I also believe those private organizations shouldn't bitch when government holds them to the same standards government itself is held to.
I won't conform and you can't make me. I'm different just like everybody else.
I do not feel obligated to mow my yard down to 1.5 inches in height, nor do I feel obligated to shave my beard (or, for you ladies, my legs), nor do I feel obligated to attend a Christian church in an expensive suit one morning a week. My lawn, my body, and my religion are my own, and my being different will not bring down civilization.
Conversely, I do not feel obligated to be different all the time. Diversity is nice, but so is consensus, in its measure.
I am automatically suspicious of any person in authority; however, I accept that they -are- in authority, and that many of them endanger their own lives on a regular basis, so I try to give them respect.
I am doubly suspicious of politicians from poor or minority districts who wear Gucci fashions, drive Mercedes-Benzes, or who weigh over 300 pounds. If you people are suffering so, how many meals have -you- missed lately, friend?
I am -trebly- suspicious of any person who claims to be a spokesperson of God who takes a personal interest in politics. If you are a minister, I think it not overly burdensome for you to spend more time among your local parish than in another state posing for news cameras.
I believe progress and preservation are both equally overrated concepts, especially when they're used to take away something that belongs to somebody else.
I don't like the idea of treating people as groups. Colin Powell is not a repressed minority; neither is Ben Nighthorse Campbell. I know that our nation institutionalized racial discrimination for nearly two hundred years, but I don't see this as sufficient reason for instituting racial preferences for two hundred years in return.
I believe that current anti-discrimination laws are a case of treating the symptoms but not the disease; I don't suggest others do this, because it's a good way to piss off both sides of the arguement.
Speaking of, I piss off Northerners by saying that the Civil War was a bad thing for the nation, while at the same time I piss off Southerners by pointing out that Jeff Davis and Bobby Lee had no illusions as to the fundamental cause of the war. Hint: it wasn't a tariff on tea, friends.
My chief objection to Social Security is not that it pays too little, or that it is unConstitutional, but that I know for Gospel truth it will not be there when I become eligible to recieve it.
I believe the Pledge of Allegiance is too momentous and sacred a trust to be parrotted daily by millions of first graders who don't know they're promising to obey a government they may not grow to trust.
I believe that BattleBots/Junkyard Wars is just as legitimate a way to settle differences than Congressional debate, and it's much more entertaining to watch and less expensive to stage.
I believe that voting my conscience is not throwing my vote away.
I do not trust the media. By media I mean not only the news reporters but the so-called liberal and conservative pundits. I will listen to you, I will laugh at you, but I will make my own decisions, and I will be unafraid to call you a liar in public if I feel you're selling me a line of bullshit.
I believe people who live in a Rockwell painting, cook like Martha Stewart, smile like Sandy Duncan, have the enthusiasm of Regis Philbin, and have better manners than Emily Post are deeply psychologically disturbed. They -frighten- me. A perfect world is a sterile world: give me a nice -mess.-
I believe that sunrise is a wonderful thing to see at 8 PM on a movie screen, but a terrible thing to behold directly.
I believe the concept of a work ethic was made up by wealthy people who wanted to avoid a nickel-per-hour pay raise and thus decided to make their employees feel guilty if they didn't like working. Work is a great thing if you are doing it for yourself, but don't fool yourself into believing that -any- job is meaningful in and of itself.
Finally, I believe that, whether or not our government continues, our -society- will tool along just fine if we all left it, and each other, alone. When the liberals, conservatives, communist-ecologists, and anarchists all shut up and mind their own business, well then so will I.
For some strange reason, people of every political, racial, and other division in our nation regard me as a Bad American. Well, then so be it: I'm a Bad American, and I don't trust anybody who defines the difference between a Good American and a Bad American using the premise that all Good Americans are like themselves.
If something in this rambling strikes a cord with you, pass it around as you like to those you believe will appreciate it. Don't pass it to just anyone, and don't send it to any Good Americans: they don't like people who disagree with them.
Webmaster's note: This essay (typoes and all), which reflects a lot that we agree with wholeheartedly around here, was originally posted in the newsgroup "alt.callahans", partially in response to a rather nasty article with the same title which had been misattributed to the comedian George Carlin. Kris Overstreet, on the other hand, is (at the time that this is being written) a struggling publisher of alternative and anime-derived comics; he has never pretended to be funny, although he achieves it often enough to get invited to parties on purpose...which is more than some of us can say.